I was soooooooo relieved a few weeks back when I poured my heart out about feeling lonely sometimes and you gals comforted me, sympathized and shared what’s happening in your life.
Seeing as this blog is for real women who deal with weighty issues (pun intended),
I wanted to broach the topic of weight, and… I’m sharing my number.

{ps: this is me again participating in Pour Your Heart Out from The Things I cannot Say.}

First of all… weight: UGH!

It’s soooooo frustrating sometimes.
It’s how we look, it’s the stupid number that gets so many women riled up.
Is it up, is it down… do I weight less than her?! 
Most women are lying if they say they’ve never compared themselves to another woman and felt a teeny tiny satisfaction knowing they weigh less than the other. Don’t lie.
Heck, I’ll admit it: I have, and I’ve come to realize how absurd that is. No one is like me.
She could be five inches taller, have breasts three times the size of mine, anything. Why am I comparing??

At 31-years-old I need to know it’s pointless.
I’m over it. At least, I’m going to try my damnedest to be!
This is who I am. A 124-lb. woman who is proud of her body. I have to be.
This body is my vessel taking me through life. In just two years it’s carried a baby and has come back from paralysis. It’s created life and overcoming freaking paralysis. Pretty incredible.

About me: I’m a Weight Watcher lifetime member who’s lowest weight hovered around 115 pounds. In remember in elementary and middle school I was always the girl who was a little overweight,
and in high school and college I was always in the 140s. Not the 1-teens or 120s like the “popular girls.”

I remember talking in high school to a best friend (an adorable little thing who must have weighed nothing and ate more carbs than you could imagine)… she told me this awful story about how her brother had a party and put some crappy note on the door that only women under 120 lbs could enter. I just said how obnoxious and moved on. Yet, 15 freaking years later I still remember that conversation. Why? Because, I, at 140ish lbs, would not have been invited inside my best friend’s door.
I guess that’s what started my “number fixation.” Thanks, dude.
After college in 2002, I got a desk job that caused my thighs to expand and my pants to practically bust at the seams. A clasp even broke off the waistband. Embarrassing truth.
Can’t believe I’m posting this: here’s me in early 2002. Did I not realize this dress didn’t fit??
Soon after, during a random doctor visit  the nurse had to move that little thing on the scale from the 100 to 150 bracket. I knew in that moment that I needed to do something.
My size 12 pants were getting awfully tight.
Weight Watchers was hugely successful. I started at 153 and went down to about 115 at my lowest.
Here’s me at a bridal shower in 2003, I believe.

WOW, check out that chick’s jawline and little waist! haha.

Cruel life (weight) truth:

Just because you’re thin — and at your supposed dream weight — doesn’t mean you’re happier.
After being a size 10 my whole life, it took me years to see the woman I am now. I’d pick up clothes that were a size 6 or 8 thinking it was me, but I was typically a size 2. Body dismorphic disorder for sure. And, it was at my thinnest that I compared myself the most. Weird, right?
I noticed dimples on my thighs that looking back, I don’t remember agonizing over when I was “bigger.”
I think, how could I have been happier at that weight? Yet, I was. Had friends, had boyfriends.
I’m sharing this because I know many of us struggle with our weight. I’ll be honest. My goal is 120 pounds, three pounds less than where I’m at. HOWEVER, I’d be thrilled to stay where I am if I could be more toned and fit. It’s something I’m working on (did pilates this morning!).
Focus on being healthy. I recognize I needed to lose weight years ago and am happy I did so. It knocked my cholesterol below 200 for the first time in my life. I eat healthier and am more conscious of myself. That’s what it’s about. Not the number, not the spots on your body that you wish were different.

LISTEN UP:
Do not let your weight consume you and be who you are. Do not be so hard on yourself.
If you have a bad meal, weigh more than you want or have thighs with a few dimples, deal with it. LIVE.
I know now I rather enjoy great meals than be five pounds less. You might disagree with me, and that’s fine, but to me that’s living life and enjoying it.

After going through what I have these past two years I’ve learned we can’t keep bringing ourselves down about our body. “I look so fat in this outfit,” yada, yada, yada.
It’s so damn consuming, negative and miserable.
Stop yourself, and instead find something — anything — about yourself that you’re happy about and say it aloud. Believe it.

You are who you are. Embrace it.

(thanks for listening)