vent sesh: honest motherhood
It’s been a little while since the last Vent Sesh here, and with good reason: I’m now a mom of two (meet our boy). He’s such perfection. Yet, totally, talking honest….being a mom is hard. There’s no way around it.
I nearly hit publish on a Vent Sesh when our now nearly two-month old boy was just two weeks old called “overwhelmed.” The term overwhelmed felt nearly laughable; I was drowning and exhausted, just focusing on getting through each day. I’d tell people he was doing amazing, we’re all doing amazing, when in fact, that was kind of a lie. I was nearly at a breaking point.
But, hindsight — and sleep! — has lead to clarity. Those early days are brutal for nearly everyone. I deleted that old draft post in exchange for this one. I’m really happy, particularly when I came to terms with what’s reasonable for me to accomplish now. The reality set in that I had been trying to still do it all, the same as before, when I wasn’t fairly factoring in the time, emotion and reality of taking care of our sweet little man. There’s absolutely no way to do it all, to do it the same, when you’re adding in something monumental like this where you want your extra moments to be with him. I want to spend the time cuddling with him at night, but that means whatever I was previously doing at that time (likely blogging) has to get sidelined. Something has to give.
During a particularly stressful day I heard the lyric, “I tried to carry the weight of the world, but I only have two hands,” (song) and it resonated on so many levels. This is me before our new guy, but even more so now. It’s impossible. I do only have two hands. I’m only one person, with so many hours in the day, and I can’t do it all. All moms are the same. I say this quote to myself with shocking frequency. I think not only can we get wrapped up in the insanity of our own lives, social media creates added challenges. From DIY and recipe insanity thanks to Pinterest to 700 of our closest sharing happy, smiling photos of their kiddies. It’s just not reality.
Still, being a mom can be difficult. Let’s be honest moms. It’s challenging, not often thankful, life altering and draining. It’s also intensely fulfilling, loving and a hell of a lot of fun. I look in awe at both my children every moment I get. During the holidays, I got to hang with my daughter more so than I had in long time, and despite a few stressful moments, we had the best time. We saw Frozen (twice) — and proceeded to sing it at the top of our lungs ever since. We went for lunch dates, to the park, for a manicure, to get her a big girl bike, and also simply cuddled on the couch reading books and watching movies. I am enamored at the girl she is becoming each day.
I’m also still adjusting to being a mom of two. There’s been highs and lows, for sure. I recognize I’m a bit of a selfish person. Ironically, I typically put others before myself in nearly every situation, and often how to remind myself to sometimes do what’s in my best interest. That said, I like my time with my husband, to make an impulse run to Target, to get a mani, to want to start a book or magazine, and definitely to work on my blog. It’s not bad selfish in my opinion; I’m someone who likes a little time, ok, and likes control over how the time will be spent.
I expected a change when our little guy came — we’d even chat about it here in great length since I typically work on TAGG once our daughter goes to sleep — but the change has been more dramatic than I envisioned. Part of it is that due to owning my own PR business by day is that I didn’t get maternity leave. I absolutely love what I do, and we have had such tremendous success lately that I’m really excited about, yet I’ve been ‘trying to carry the weight of the world,’ and realizing that weight is leaving me physically and mentally drained. I just want to go to sleep, or watch mindless reality TV. Some days, my level of coherent thoughts would certainly make for interesting content here!
I’m still learning how to get everything done I want to, and I’m sure I’ll always be working on that. In the interim, I’m trying to remove self-imposed guilt when I don’t post here and focusing on my top 2014 resolution, being present with those around me, particularly the family. I’m soaking in our little guy’s emerging smiles, big blue eyes and the way he grabs my finger when I’m feeding him. And, I’m trying really hard to give myself some slack instead of giving myself my “bad mom syndrome” as we discussed here a year ago.
I just think a lot of moms, working or “not” (hell, I don’t know how I’d pull off being a stay-at-home mom; it’s the hardest job with the most demanding hours that never ends!), envision others with this perfect or better or easier life, and I promise you it’s not the case. Be it on social media, or here on the blog where I show you parts of my life I chose, it’s not the whole thing. If only you saw what I was wearing right now, how many times I got interrupted and my non-glamorous surroundings while this post got written…well, wow.
Thanks for listening! Being a mom is certainly an adventure. Hope this post doesn’t sound negative as being a mom is such a gift. I’d love to hear from you about your ups and downs, any tips you have, and anything else you’d like to share.