Welcome to the first Vent Sesh of the New Year!
The following topic has weighed on me for oh, three years (yes, the age of my daughter). I know, this is probably ridiculous but I find myself on a weekly basis saying or feeling like I’m a “bad mom.”
Should this be known as “working mom syndrome?” I’ve spoken with other working moms who can relate. A large part of me feels proud that I’m showing my daughter that I work — and when she is old enough to understand it, that I own my own business, two in fact (this blog included). Yet, with that comes time away or feeling stressed about work, errands and life for the limited time we have together each day.
I’ve missed moments many of my stay-at-home mom friends have, or at least that I think they have, because I’m working. Seeing firsts, experiencing play dates, kid’s events, endless smiles and giggles. Last year I took off nearly one morning each week to take my daughter to ballet, and then in another session, gymnastics. I loved seeing her face light up and felt so proud that as a business owner that I created this time for us. But I was often stressed, checking my phone for work email coming in. And, it’s time away I can’t manage this year…. despite the fact that she twirls through the house and somersaults on our bed, asking when she can take classes again. {bad mom rings in my head!}. And deep in my gut I think I’d be a miserable stay-at-home-mom and be miserable at it… I’m so impatient {more bad mom ringing in my head}.
Then there’s other things I feel guilty about… wanting her to so badly to go to sleep for the night even though I’ve only seen her an hour, feeling a short fuse when she pushes me (the girl is a boss like her mom!), running out of her body wash or her string cheese or tissues or whatever, hoping dad will hear first first at night so I can sleep (he’s the lightest sleeper), feeling ecstatic to go on a blog-related trip or sometimes thinking I could be writing a blog post or reply to a client email when I’m cuddling on the couch, and wanting to skip a page here or there while reading at 8:30 pm because all I want is a moment to myself.
I know in my heart I’m a great mom. I care for my daughter, I show her she’s loved and smart and beautiful and kind and funny and so much more. We provide her a nice home, take care of her, send her to a good school where we are confident they love and nurture her, go interesting and fun places (the zoo, Disney, etc) so she can experience new things, and yet, I’m still have bad mom syndrome. In my head it’s never enough.
Now, you should know I also have a guilty {woman} complex. Are you like this? You feel guilty over too much? Making plans even though you’re exhausted? Forgetting something at the store? Anything! I do it constantly and my husband reminds me I’m being ridiculous.
There’s no way I can change overnight but I’m vowing in 2013 to work on myself when it comes to this, recognizing that in the things that matter, I’m a damn good mom. I do as much as I can considering what I have on my plate (and though I hate to admit it, some of my health issues and corresponding medications wipe the crap out of me, especially at 3 am!). I’m sure if I was home with her full-time I’d have the same guilty syndrome, just with another set of issues. This is not fair to me, and to our family. I have to do better, remember I’m only human and running out of string cheese doesn’t make me a bad mom. It’s like calling yourself fat when you’re fully not. Can’t do that to ourselves. If you’re a mama who can relate, are you with me?
read more vent sesh topics here.
{image: south mooth photography at downtown at the gardens}
