how to get past a negative moment

For the latest Vent Sesh I have a challenge I hope you can help me with (my secret bff, aka my counselor, does not have an appointment until next week; tear.) While I feel somewhat isolated I get the sense that in other ways many can relate. 

When something awful happens on a day that’s supposed to be special can you claim it good again?

That’s my question. Can you answer? My birthday is this weekend yet two years ago was the worst birthday. Ever. It’s a story you have heard in pieces — or at least the ones willing to read my sometimes lengthily prose. Deets: What was supposed to be killer 30th birthday was not spent celebrating at the house party we had planned yet rather spent in the hospital… paralyzed. No joke. I spent one month in the hospital four months after delivering my baby girl, two months after returning to work and it all started on my birthday. Scariest, freaking time of my life. My legs slowly stopped working. My bladder wouldn’t function and I couldn’t write my name. I saw my daughter twice that month. I had a million tests done, received high doses of steroids, got a special blood treatment called plasmapheresis done through a catheter inserted in my neck and used a walker to start to regain mobility.

I have accepted all of this but wonder: did it have to happen on my birthday? Could it have not waited a week? How do I forget what has become the anniversary of this shit and celebrate my day again? My situation reminds me of people who got married or have birthdays on 9/11 or another disaster, who realize milestones missed by their children on their birthdays, and much more. Someone can relate to my story, right?

A large part of me believes everything happens for a reason and I should kick the celebration into high gear. Reasoning: I had wanted to start this blog for years but it wasn’t until the return to my past job did not work out and I was let go that I had the time to do so. This blog is a HUGE dream of mine. I also started my own PR/branding business (I had never even imagined myself a business owner!) and now have time to take my daughter to ballet during the week, to take three hour lunch breaks if I damn well please (even if it means late work nights) and create my own destiny.

What I can’t get past? The parts of me you can’t see in my outfit posts. I have health issues. So many of us do. Mine are luckily not life threatening yet are annoying, frustrating, rest-of-my-life issues. Brutally honest fact: This girl can’t go potty on her own. My bladder became permanently destroyed. The first six or so months after my initial diagnosis sucked. I couldn’t go anywhere. I’d dehydrate myself, I’d pee through clothes or wear huge thick pads. Luckily, I met an amazing doctor who injected botox on my bladder. Oh yeah, you heard it… this chick has botox! Hah! It changed my life even though I still drink very little liquids (happy hours or wine tastings= not as fun), and am always thinking where I’ll be when I need to empty my bladder (it’s ultra consuming, mentally and physically). To pee, I actually stick a catheter up you-know-where (ouch!) four or five times a day in order to remove liquid from my bladder. I also have nagging neuro issues including constant pins and needles in my feet and legs.

I tell you this not for sympathy, but because I want you to know me beyond the smiling face and great ideas (haha, ok, hoping they’re great ideas!). Nearly ALL of us are the smiling faces you see each day and this — as of two years ago on my birthday — is who I am. I’m reaching out to TAGG readers asking you to help me — and perhaps others — see past this negative crap and focus so much more on how this awful time has been one of life’s biggest blessings. I’m 90 percent there but could use a friendly push!

And, if you don’t have ideas, no worries… a happy early birthday will suffice. xo

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